After my suicide attempt I became obsessed with trying to break through that wall. In the process, I learned to treat my depression as a living breathing beast. I would close my eyes and visualize epic battles where I fought the dark entity trying to control me. Every night I’d give the monster a new form. I’d create different scenes or a varying scenario. Sometimes I’d win. Sometimes I’d lose. But I always kept fighting.
Gradually, I began to win more often. I’d visualize it running away before I even got close enough to strike. I imagined it balled-up on the ground cowering in front of me. And eventually, I imagined the dark entity that once controlled me lying helpless at my feet. But I could never bring myself to destroy it.
It seemed that through all the battles we had fought, I had somehow learned to love it. I no longer saw my depression as a separate entity. I saw it as a part of me. I realized it never needed to be destroyed. It just needed to be tamed.
Embracing my depression, looking at it with compassion, and putting my entire heart into helping it become beautiful is what truly released me from the darkness I was once help captive.
I created this photo together with the following poem to symbolize this process.
I loved the mountain for all its size
And it let me pass to the other side
I loved the sea for all its storms
And it carried me to distant shores
I loved the sun for its blistered heat
And it lit my way so I could see
I loved the road for its cobbled stones
And it straightened out to lead me home”