This is How it Feels
  • Home
  • Schedule
  • Media
  • About The Author
  • How To Order
  • Testimonials
  • Lyrics & Poetry
  • The Book
  • Featured Photos
  • Photography
  • Getting Involved
  • Blog
  • Contact

Wanting to Live

6/3/2014

33 Comments

 
I originally wrote this for The American Association of Suicidology's Attempt Survivor Blog


I don’t remember how long it was after my suicide attempt that I knew I wanted to live. It wasn’t immediate, I know that. I didn’t wake up in the intensive care unit, fill my lungs with oxygen from a plastic tube and think, “Thank God I’m alive.” What came to me first was that I didn’t want to die. And as a person who has lived nearly 20 years of struggling with suicidal thoughts, I can tell you that there is a very big difference between not wanting to die and wanting to live.

Until my attempt at age 20, not wanting to die was how I lived most of my life. I hovered just above the bottom, inches away from my breaking point and buried beneath mountains of bad memories, mental disorders and hopelessness. I was always just one step away from suicide but not really wanting to die. That certainly didn’t mean that I was safe from suicide. It just meant that I was able to keep my suicidal thoughts at bay, even if it was a constant struggle. But knowing that I didn’t want to die seemed to suffice for everyone around me: my parents, friends and doctors, even me. When asked if I were considering suicide, I could almost always answer a truthful, “No, I don’t want to die.” This became the way I learned to cope with suicide: one step from the edge, buried in hopelessness, alive but definitely not living.

My first memory of this is when I was 8 years old and held a chef’s knife in my hand while crying uncontrollably. I was home from school alone one afternoon and doing the dishes as part of my daily chores. It wasn’t often that I had the house to myself, and I couldn’t help but notice how quiet it was. The TV was off. There were no sounds of nightly news reporters filling me in on the latest world tragedies. My mother and stepfather were not home yet. There were no voices shouting back and forth at each other, venting the dramas of the work day. It was just me, the sound of my breathing, the occasional drip of the faucet and the muffled clank of dishes sliding beneath soapy water.

I was drying the dishes and putting them in the rack when I picked up the knife. My mother had warned me about how easily I could get hurt if I mishandled it. Sometimes I was afraid to even touch it, but on that day I wasn’t so scared. I held it by the handle in a firm grip and slid a kitchen towel down one side of the blade. I could see my face in the reflective shine. I could see my teeth, and the big space between them that I wished I didn’t have. I could see the cowlick in my light blonde hair that made me look messy, no matter what I did to hide it. I could see my skin, my nose and my eyes. I could see their sadness and their weakness. Tears began to form.

At 8 years old, I hated my life. I hated that I was being molested and I had no one to tell. I hated that I was bullied for being a messy kid with a cowlick and crooked teeth, teased for being a bad student and disliked simply because I was me. I hated the thought of waking up each morning scared of what the day would bring. I hated the knot in my stomach that always seemed to be alive within me. I hated that I had trouble controlling my thoughts. I hated that I felt so weak inside and so sad. And for all of that, I hated myself.

My reflection blurred as tears continued to well up in my eyes. I turned and leaned against the counter. I gripped the knife with both hands and imagined what it would be like to not have to wake up again, to not have to face another day. The crying turned to sobs. I breathed deep with heavy wails. I was so broken, and so alone. Slowly, I slid down the kitchen cabinet. I wished I was strong. I wished I was brave. I wished I didn’t live in my house or go to my school. I wished everything was different.

I lay the knife down beside me, curled into a ball on the kitchen floor and sobbed for what felt like hours. The house remained silent. No slamming doors or heavy footsteps. It was just me, an 8-year-old boy lying broken on the floor, curled in a ball with my cheek pressed in a puddle of tears, quietly wishing I wasn’t alive, but somehow not wanting to die.

For years this is where I remained. As a teenager, I was committed to several mental health facilities for treatment. I was consumed by depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and relentless anxiety. Each time I met with a therapist or hospital clinician, they would always ask me the same clipboard questions and would inevitably ask if I was suicidal. That question was always there, probing my darkest desires and gauging the criticality of my current state: “Do you feel like you want to die? Do you want to hurt yourself? Are you thinking of suicide?” But strangely, for all of the times I was asked that, for all the doctors, therapists and counselors I sat with over the years, not once was I asked if I wanted to live.

It wasn’t until my suicide attempt at age 20 when I asked this for myself. I lay in the intensive care unit, tubes running from my mouth and nose, wires hooked up all over my body, and my hands and feet restrained to the bed. I thought about my life. I thought about how I had lived it, or rather how I hadn’t lived it. I looked back at all the significant moments that shaped me, all the things I had been through. And I remembered the quiet afternoon when I lay alone on the kitchen floor as an 8-year-old boy. I realized it had been more than a decade since that day, and for more than a decade I had allowed myself to remain there. All because “not wanting to die” was a good enough place to be.

Over time, I didn’t just “not want to die,” I wanted to live. But a thought like that doesn’t come so easily after years of struggling with suicide. The reality was, I wanted to want to live. Although I’d love to say that I was grateful to be alive and ready to start over, diving headfirst into everything life has to offer, the thought of living life was completely terrifying to me. Living in my shadow was all I had ever known. Living in the darkness of my illnesses, no matter how devastating and dangerous, no matter how isolating, was the only place I knew. I had never known what it was like to get up off the kitchen floor. But I did know then that I was ready to.

For all the difficulties I have had in life, I can tell you that making the decision to say, “I want to live” instead of saying “I don’t want to die,” was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was facing a fear like none before, a step taken into an unknown world, a step forward into me. But fear, no matter what form it took, was something I had lived with my entire life. It influenced my decisions and kept my head pushed below the surface. Fear, in a large sense, was the reason I attempted suicide. So what was I so afraid of now? I had made a conscious decision to end my life. No matter what answers I gave to the questions of “what if,” none were as devastating or as frightening as what I had just gone through. The truth is that it couldn’t get any worse than it had already been, and my fears were weightless, empty and void of truth. I had nothing to be afraid of.

I’m not sure how long it was after my suicide attempt when I was certain that I wanted to live, when I knew I was ready to pick myself up off that kitchen floor. I’m not sure how long it took for me to truly convince myself that living was what I wanted. It didn’t come immediately. Living life took time. It took work and acceptance. It took a full understanding of what life means to me personally and how I would choose to live it.

As someone who has spent almost 20 years of life battling with suicidal thoughts, I can tell you that there is a very big difference between “not wanting to die” and “wanting to live.” One will leave us where we fall, letting us believe that we are safe and disguising us from our true potential. The other will help us up, dust us off, embrace us for our efforts and present a world which we’ve never imagined, a world worth living for.

33 Comments
Stacy
6/4/2014 04:28:42 am

Thank you for this compelling insight. We share a similar abuse background and my decedent's have mental health issues. Suicide never occurred to me until my GPA took his life when I was 16. Once the door was opened intrusive thoughts began but it took years for me to get to that place where it was time in my early 40s. I woke up so angry in the hospital. After several years of therapy I went from victim to survivor to thriver. But I still feel like "I don't want to die" because of the aftermath I will leave. Your words " I want to live" I think is the next step for me. I think my psychiatrist will be pleased to know I am chewing on that. Thank you again. Healthy thoughts and body. Stacy

Reply
buy custom dissertation link
10/9/2014 06:37:20 am

Neuroscience is a branch of biology which deals with the study of nervous system. Its categorization is under discussion it also relates to discipline chemistry and computer, neuroscience is a vast field in which we study the conduction of nerve impulses through which order are transported, processed and then action is produced.

Reply
human hair wigs link
10/21/2014 09:39:38 pm

Choosing the hair style not an easy task. Hair style is the mirror of personality. People are judging with their personality. Wigs help the people to choose their hairstyle. People can easily change their hairstyle after some time if they do not feel comfortable in it.

Reply
essay-writings-services.com link
12/12/2014 12:41:42 am

Nice share. I think your website should come up much higher in the search results than where it is showing up right now….

Reply
klebe bh link
2/1/2015 04:00:40 am

Klebe BH | (Brust-anhebenden Push-up Klebe BH) wird von 3M hergestellt und eignet sich perfekt für trägerlose oder rückenfreie und strapless Kleidung.

Reply
papers writing service link
2/11/2015 02:09:05 am

I am sure that your problem is familiar to many people! Thanks for sharing this idea

Reply
Best Astrologer in India link
2/23/2015 02:41:03 pm

Thanks to your comment. It is so tough to change the mentality of folks, who consider they have to starve by themselves and conquer their bodies into the ground to see final results.

Reply
pain clinics link
2/27/2015 07:47:55 pm

Great tips and very easy to understand. This will definitely be very useful for me when I get a chance to start my blog.

Reply
Superior Apartments link
4/25/2015 12:13:04 am


Superior Apartments offers the very best apartments and penthouses Dublin has to offer. Superior Apartments are all located in the very best areas in Dublin 2.

Reply
uk bestdissertations link
4/29/2015 03:08:49 am

in ISLAM the education is compulsory for both man and woman. So the concept of not giving the education to the females if totally wrong every woman should learn the education foe her good future.

Reply
Ricky Williams Net Worth link
6/30/2015 02:12:54 am

It's good that you changed your mind...

Reply
www.jetessaywriter.com link
7/21/2015 12:05:24 am

Thank you so much, I am so pleased with the final outcome of my paper.

Reply
order essay online link
7/30/2015 08:46:34 pm

For writer: quick and with high quality; For support team: Instant and nice services. Thanks a million!

Reply
topassignmentwriters.com link
8/11/2015 08:10:39 am

Thanks for making such a cool project. I've been checking the site for the Windows version, but I never left a comment about it. I know you are working hard and doing it for free so you shouldn't feel rushed or anything. I hope you can continue this type of hard work to this site in future also. Because this blog is really very informative and it helps me lot.

Reply
www.goodessay.biz link
8/27/2015 11:31:31 pm

Sad story bro. You are so life bored at the age of twenty so what will happen when you reach forty?

Reply
dentists in brampton link
8/30/2015 10:22:23 am

I completely agree with the above comment, the internet is without a
doubt growing into the most important medium of communication across the globe and its due to sites like this that ideas are spreading so quickly.

Reply
http://guruediting.com/ link
8/30/2015 07:51:14 pm

No need to wait to live, do it right now! You are the greatest person (I love you already because of your writing) and you deserve it, you deserve great life!

Reply
dj phuket link
9/12/2015 02:23:29 am

Thoughts and imagination are the real aspect of our life. The process of thinking is depending on that thing which is present in your mind that time. No matter the thing is good or evil.

Reply
term paper link
10/12/2015 05:32:35 am

Its important not to hurry up in a life.

Reply
http://awriter.org link
10/13/2015 04:43:17 am

Fine information, many thanks to the author. It is puzzling to me now, but in general, the usefulness and importance is overwhelming. Very much thanks again and best of luck!

Reply
Wayne D. Krol link
11/5/2015 07:22:14 pm


You always can publish something absorbing that does not waste minutes of your life like what you see on countless other sites. This is very interesting and I will be back for more. Thanks for sharing

Reply
who can write my essay link
11/6/2015 08:49:41 pm

Dont wait just live your own life!

Reply
Assignment Help Online link
12/3/2015 01:06:02 pm

Thanks for sharing this blog its very informative and useful for us .

Reply
VisualBasic.net Homework Help link
12/3/2015 02:49:39 pm

That is fantastic blog, I will pas this to the other peoples.

Reply
Affordable Ghostwriting Services link
12/3/2015 03:49:01 pm

We are Number 1 in Ghostwriting Service. Hire a ghostwriter for interviews and research, Personalized Ghostwriting Process, Revisions & Proven Record of Publishing Success.

Reply
Analysis Case Study link
12/3/2015 05:42:50 pm

A case study evaluation needs one to address the company’s issue, analyze the alternate options, and propose the best answer using supporting evidence.

Reply
Accounting Term Paper Help link
12/3/2015 06:05:25 pm

yeah it was such an awesome blog that i have updated.. :)

Reply
Accounting Term Paper Help link
12/3/2015 06:37:15 pm

Thanks for sharing the info, keep up the good work going.... I really enjoyed exploring your site.

Reply
bestessays link
2/16/2016 04:33:07 pm

I like the valuable info you provide in your articles. I will bookmark your weblog and check again here frequently. I am quite certain I will learn plenty of new stuff right here! Good luck for the next!

Reply
viooz link
3/15/2016 01:13:39 am

This website done a great job because it provides all those items which is necessary to live and enjoy our life.

Reply
watch episodes link
3/17/2016 09:32:50 pm

This is great website indeed and I really very thankful to developer of this site to present such type of website.

Reply
Case Study online help link
4/10/2017 10:50:44 am

CASE STUDY HELP & CASE STUDY ONLINE HELP What a case study is and what it requires? Case study assignment is a must assignment that every student get.

Reply
Actuary Finance Assignment Help link
6/7/2017 02:22:26 pm

Hi buddy, your blog' s design is simple and clean and i like it.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Craig A. Miller

    A place for short stories, poetry, and general thoughts.

    Archives

    March 2015
    August 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014

    Categories

    All
    Inspiration
    Life
    Motivation
    This Is How It Feels

    RSS Feed

Web Hosting by StartLogic
✕